(I wrote this some time ago as more of a devotional and wanted to share it with anyone who may be able to relate.)
Psalm 5:1 “Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.”
Have you ever been so angry frustrated or grieved that you were at a loss for words? Instead we sigh or groan or scream to God. Could emotions expressed without words be considered prayer?
There is a motivating picture of war painted for us in I Chronicles as the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh—44,760 able-bodied men ready for military service, war against four opposing tribes. As the war ensues, God hands their allies over to them “because they cried out to him during the battle. He answered their prayers because they trusted in him(I Chronicles 5:18-20)."
Imagine this bloody war scene with 44,760 men crying out to God -- cries in the thick of war, imploring God to come to their aid. I am convinced that their prayers were not proper, pretty prayers spoken with eloquence. They could have only been loud cries of desperation from grown men who realized their humanity and feared for their lives. As they fought, shield in one hand, sword or bow in the other, there was no denying that the only hope they had was God.
In times of great desperation, great pain, or grief, our prayers become cries, screams, groans or sighs; and sometimes complete silence or body-wrenching sobs.
In Guerillas of Grace, Ted Loder’s perspective of prayer puts it this way,
“How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,
Or groans
Or sighs
Or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
Or clenched fists
Or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
Or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
My real prayers,
Rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,
And not just the pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
Bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
As I really am,
Messed up mixture of glory and grime?
As God’s children, we are not left alone in our battles and our weaknesses, “In the same way, the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express (Rom.8:26).” God hears our sighs and our groans, as the Spirit intercedes for us in accordance with God’s will.
In the messy battles of life, our cries and groans are lifted to heaven as we surrender our will to His. When the battle becomes so dark that we fear we will not be left standing, He hears us and answers our prayers. A breakthrough happens as we break down and trust God with every ounce of our being.
Even in our darkest moments, we are not alone.
We shall stand--shield in one hand, sword in the other, as God's fearless warriors.
Today’s Prayer: “Father, there are times when I pray and I have no words. The weight I carry can only be expressed with sighs and groans as I still myself in Your presence. Sometimes in silence I cry out to You. Holy Spirit, thank You for interceding with groans that words cannot express. Without You, I would be left without hope. Sometimes, in the middle of my battle, I am weak and unable to stand. In my weakness You reveal Yourself to me time and again with both strength and gentleness. Father, Your unfailing love shakes me to the core. In dark moments when I have nothing to offer, You still hold me in the arms of Your faithful love. I am truly a messed up mixture of glory and grime. May my confidence rest on Your character and not on my circumstances. I am desperate for more of You. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.”
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Nothing Left But a Memory
I awoke this morning to news from a friend about our old high school and church; the entire building collapsed due to heavy snow. The building also housed the Bible school that I attended, which is where I met my husband. We were married in that church over 25 years ago as were all three of my sisters. I looked the building up on the Alaska news channel and to my surprise the only thing remaining was a pile of rubble. So many memories were made in that building that now lay in ruins.
Ironic, the timing of this event, as it has given me words to what I have been feeling in my own life; although time is not a respecter of person, and change is inevitable, we must hold onto those memories that have helped knit us into the person that we are today. When all we have to hold onto is a memory, we must protect the memory, as we reflect back and see God’s fingerprints in each chapter of our lives.
Time has a wonderful way of helping us remember moments that we hold dear, while in actuality, the moments may have been very difficult or painful. The lessons gleaned in the thrust of life’s battles are invaluable; battle scars serve as reminders that we will never be the same having gone through the battle. In difficult times, we remember most clearly the deep feelings of the circumstance more than the actual circumstance. Did we feel loved, did we feel abandoned, did we feel cared for, did we feel despair, hope, love, etc.?
Mixed with the memory of the moment is the beauty of watching our own lives unfold as we look back and see how the pain and joy of life has impacted the condition of our own hearts. Somehow we make it through the deepest valleys to the peaks of mountains time and again; holding onto the memories of our journey. In time, our experiences and memories may be pulled to share with another who is experiencing a similar situation. Other times, the memories are ours alone to keep tucked away for our own growth.
There is nothing to prove and nothing to change from past events in our lives; each day is given but once and then it is gone. There are no guarantees, no return policies and no refunds on this tangible existence that we call life.
May God’s grace and love continue to carry us through each new day.
Just as my old church lies in an unidentifiable pile of rubble, one day we, too, shall return to dust. One day, when we are nothing more than a memory, may it be said of us that our lives were lived selflessly, full of love, in total obedience to our Father, bringing honor and glory to His name.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Ironic, the timing of this event, as it has given me words to what I have been feeling in my own life; although time is not a respecter of person, and change is inevitable, we must hold onto those memories that have helped knit us into the person that we are today. When all we have to hold onto is a memory, we must protect the memory, as we reflect back and see God’s fingerprints in each chapter of our lives.
Time has a wonderful way of helping us remember moments that we hold dear, while in actuality, the moments may have been very difficult or painful. The lessons gleaned in the thrust of life’s battles are invaluable; battle scars serve as reminders that we will never be the same having gone through the battle. In difficult times, we remember most clearly the deep feelings of the circumstance more than the actual circumstance. Did we feel loved, did we feel abandoned, did we feel cared for, did we feel despair, hope, love, etc.?
Mixed with the memory of the moment is the beauty of watching our own lives unfold as we look back and see how the pain and joy of life has impacted the condition of our own hearts. Somehow we make it through the deepest valleys to the peaks of mountains time and again; holding onto the memories of our journey. In time, our experiences and memories may be pulled to share with another who is experiencing a similar situation. Other times, the memories are ours alone to keep tucked away for our own growth.
There is nothing to prove and nothing to change from past events in our lives; each day is given but once and then it is gone. There are no guarantees, no return policies and no refunds on this tangible existence that we call life.
May God’s grace and love continue to carry us through each new day.
Just as my old church lies in an unidentifiable pile of rubble, one day we, too, shall return to dust. One day, when we are nothing more than a memory, may it be said of us that our lives were lived selflessly, full of love, in total obedience to our Father, bringing honor and glory to His name.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Caged Lion
Wildly he paces back and forth on the worn path of his confined environment. He has room to move and stretch; but no room to do what he was created to do-- run. Time has fatigued his spirit, though memories of freedom often revisit him as he restlessly slumbers.
Passers-by stop at his man-made habitat, beholding his beauty, admiring his strength and size. Although he appears to be tame and broken; he is not. He cannot conform to the small cage and tasteless food for he knows that his identity lies beyond the boundaries of his closterphobic environment.
He attempts to rest beneath the shade of a tree amidst the clamor and commotion of the crowd. Cameras flash, shouts and whistles penetrate his space. His spirit fights within to not lash out. Though caged, he is fully able to scare even the bravest onlooker. However, the full wrath of his fury cannot be unleashed. Instead, turning his slouched body against the crowd, his sad eyes drop from view.
He remembers days of past when both his legs and his spirit thundered across the rolling plains; days when he was surrounded by those who knew him intimately. Respected within his pride, freedom was the aroma that surrounded his every breath. Fully alive, fully unleashed, fully living in the potential he was created to reach.
Dying at the jaws of an enemy would be a welcome death compared to that of his spirit dying within him. The very essence of who he was born to be slowly fades as the daily demands of his new world rape him of his identity. Although his physical needs are met, the despair and loneliness in his chest ache beyond his ability to understand. He lies listless in the afternoon sun, waiting for nothing.
I am that caged lion; sad eyes, slouched shoulders. The world closes in, suffocating my spirit, begging me to match that which I was not created to match. I pace back and forth, restless and angry. I am a foreigner in a foreign land. Sleepless nights meet me. I question my Maker as to the true purpose of my existence. He looks at me and sees me as who He created to me be; but I am unable to see past my encaged environment.
I am unable to conform to my environment, unwilling to settle for complacency, uninterested in pretension, and unbelievably restless; an angry, pacing lion.
I pray for humility. However, I also pray for boldness and courage to stay true to my God-created identity. I will not shrink back nor cower; for I and the lion are kindred-- both created to run wildly in total abandon, leaving behind no regrets. unleashing the spirit within and breaking free from the confines of our cages.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Passers-by stop at his man-made habitat, beholding his beauty, admiring his strength and size. Although he appears to be tame and broken; he is not. He cannot conform to the small cage and tasteless food for he knows that his identity lies beyond the boundaries of his closterphobic environment.
He attempts to rest beneath the shade of a tree amidst the clamor and commotion of the crowd. Cameras flash, shouts and whistles penetrate his space. His spirit fights within to not lash out. Though caged, he is fully able to scare even the bravest onlooker. However, the full wrath of his fury cannot be unleashed. Instead, turning his slouched body against the crowd, his sad eyes drop from view.
He remembers days of past when both his legs and his spirit thundered across the rolling plains; days when he was surrounded by those who knew him intimately. Respected within his pride, freedom was the aroma that surrounded his every breath. Fully alive, fully unleashed, fully living in the potential he was created to reach.
Dying at the jaws of an enemy would be a welcome death compared to that of his spirit dying within him. The very essence of who he was born to be slowly fades as the daily demands of his new world rape him of his identity. Although his physical needs are met, the despair and loneliness in his chest ache beyond his ability to understand. He lies listless in the afternoon sun, waiting for nothing.
I am that caged lion; sad eyes, slouched shoulders. The world closes in, suffocating my spirit, begging me to match that which I was not created to match. I pace back and forth, restless and angry. I am a foreigner in a foreign land. Sleepless nights meet me. I question my Maker as to the true purpose of my existence. He looks at me and sees me as who He created to me be; but I am unable to see past my encaged environment.
I am unable to conform to my environment, unwilling to settle for complacency, uninterested in pretension, and unbelievably restless; an angry, pacing lion.
I pray for humility. However, I also pray for boldness and courage to stay true to my God-created identity. I will not shrink back nor cower; for I and the lion are kindred-- both created to run wildly in total abandon, leaving behind no regrets. unleashing the spirit within and breaking free from the confines of our cages.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Draw Me Nearer Lord
In the darkness, in the night,
Only One can bring forth light.
In the lonely broken places, places no one else can see,
Awaits my loving, gracious Father longing to meet with me.
He holds me close and though I’m weak and fear I cannot stand,
He draws me nearer, ever nearer and lovingly holds my hand.
There is something He has shown me—that though I feel alone,
He will never fail to meet me as I kneel before His throne.
There are questions needing answers; there are many things which I fear,
Yet there is peace within the storm as He relentlessly draws me near.
How can it be that the One who sees me, He who knows me like none other,
Refuses to leave me to myself, staying closer than a brother?
He is my God, whom I am learning to trust, though storms gust and gale winds blow,
Lessons learned midst crashing waves must be faced for one to grow.
And yet He draws me nearer, ever nearer, He never leaves nor turns away,
Ever so gently He does direct me through fog when days are grey.
Strongholds must be stripped away, and though the pain is great,
He continues to draw me nearer as I kneel before Him, trust and wait.
I know that He will keep me, though storm clouds temper my mind,
So I pour out my heart to the One who draws me near, as I ask, and seek and find.
In the middle of my weakness, in the broken shattered place,
He lifts my face toward heaven, ever filling me with His radiance and grace.
So, though my heart cannot understand and though my mind cannot perceive,
As He draws me nearer, ever nearer, I will stay here in His presence and humbly
receive.
For there is nothing else that matters, when in His presence I do stay,
I will ever love and seek Him; so draw me nearer, Lord, I pray.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Only One can bring forth light.
In the lonely broken places, places no one else can see,
Awaits my loving, gracious Father longing to meet with me.
He holds me close and though I’m weak and fear I cannot stand,
He draws me nearer, ever nearer and lovingly holds my hand.
There is something He has shown me—that though I feel alone,
He will never fail to meet me as I kneel before His throne.
There are questions needing answers; there are many things which I fear,
Yet there is peace within the storm as He relentlessly draws me near.
How can it be that the One who sees me, He who knows me like none other,
Refuses to leave me to myself, staying closer than a brother?
He is my God, whom I am learning to trust, though storms gust and gale winds blow,
Lessons learned midst crashing waves must be faced for one to grow.
And yet He draws me nearer, ever nearer, He never leaves nor turns away,
Ever so gently He does direct me through fog when days are grey.
Strongholds must be stripped away, and though the pain is great,
He continues to draw me nearer as I kneel before Him, trust and wait.
I know that He will keep me, though storm clouds temper my mind,
So I pour out my heart to the One who draws me near, as I ask, and seek and find.
In the middle of my weakness, in the broken shattered place,
He lifts my face toward heaven, ever filling me with His radiance and grace.
So, though my heart cannot understand and though my mind cannot perceive,
As He draws me nearer, ever nearer, I will stay here in His presence and humbly
receive.
For there is nothing else that matters, when in His presence I do stay,
I will ever love and seek Him; so draw me nearer, Lord, I pray.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
In The Middle
There are landmarks when we travel that tell us where we are. Sometimes they are helpful and other times they are only informative; such as the small town in Wisconsin which informed me I was half-way between the North Pole and the equator. Knowing I was in the middle of something which wouldn’t impact my life one way or the other seemed perfectly safe.
However, in life—real life, I am learning that being in the middle of something looks much different. Truthfully, being in the middle of a difficult season can be confusing. There are no signs posted along the way letting one know that though it may feel like the middle, there may be a long road ahead still to travel before reaching the end. Being in the middle of something can last for minutes, days, weeks, months and even years.
The dictionary defines “middle” as an equal distance from the extremities of something; central. “Middle” is the point or position at an equal distance from the sides, edge, or ends of something; being at neither one extreme nor the other. Yet, in real life, being in the middle of a difficulty or hardship can most definitely take you to the end of something—yourself.
As challenges present themselves, we attempt to discern if our own struggles should remain a secret or if we are safe to share the truth of what our world looks like, even in the messy middle.
Oftentimes, we may feel validated to share of a dark season or a deep valley experience after we have reached the other side. Once we’ve put ourselves back together and are “all better,” our stories become safe as we cross from the middle of crisis to the safety of the other side.
Being in the middle of pain, heartache, fear, and circumstances beyond our control can cause us to retreat and fade away deep into the basements of our souls. Hope fades from sight when time does not bring us a happy ending.
I am learning that though I can easily lose faith in the middle of a tumultuous season, God still remains faithful. I am learning that sometimes dark seasons can only be brightened by the truth of God’s Word. I am learning that many things are lost during a storm, but there are two things which God tells us we must hold onto-- our courage and our hope (Heb.3:6).
If you are in the middle of something, may I encourage your heart today with Truth? Although there is much joy when standing high on the mountain; there is no place closer to God’s heart than when we are broken and messy, smack dab in the middle of high waves.
God is not hiding from us in the middle of our circumstances; instead He lovingly holds us as we allow Him to reveal all that must be revealed so that we may learn to trust Him and to know Him.
In the beginning there was God, in the end He will remain faithful—and in the middle He is the rock upon which we will stand.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote'
However, in life—real life, I am learning that being in the middle of something looks much different. Truthfully, being in the middle of a difficult season can be confusing. There are no signs posted along the way letting one know that though it may feel like the middle, there may be a long road ahead still to travel before reaching the end. Being in the middle of something can last for minutes, days, weeks, months and even years.
The dictionary defines “middle” as an equal distance from the extremities of something; central. “Middle” is the point or position at an equal distance from the sides, edge, or ends of something; being at neither one extreme nor the other. Yet, in real life, being in the middle of a difficulty or hardship can most definitely take you to the end of something—yourself.
As challenges present themselves, we attempt to discern if our own struggles should remain a secret or if we are safe to share the truth of what our world looks like, even in the messy middle.
Oftentimes, we may feel validated to share of a dark season or a deep valley experience after we have reached the other side. Once we’ve put ourselves back together and are “all better,” our stories become safe as we cross from the middle of crisis to the safety of the other side.
Being in the middle of pain, heartache, fear, and circumstances beyond our control can cause us to retreat and fade away deep into the basements of our souls. Hope fades from sight when time does not bring us a happy ending.
I am learning that though I can easily lose faith in the middle of a tumultuous season, God still remains faithful. I am learning that sometimes dark seasons can only be brightened by the truth of God’s Word. I am learning that many things are lost during a storm, but there are two things which God tells us we must hold onto-- our courage and our hope (Heb.3:6).
If you are in the middle of something, may I encourage your heart today with Truth? Although there is much joy when standing high on the mountain; there is no place closer to God’s heart than when we are broken and messy, smack dab in the middle of high waves.
God is not hiding from us in the middle of our circumstances; instead He lovingly holds us as we allow Him to reveal all that must be revealed so that we may learn to trust Him and to know Him.
In the beginning there was God, in the end He will remain faithful—and in the middle He is the rock upon which we will stand.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote'
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Dreaded Drift
Our family made a trip to Lake Michigan the end of last summer. Our youngest daughter wanted to be water baptized in a lake that looks and feels like an ocean. We wanted something memorable and less traditional to mark the special milestone in her life.
The weather was a bit rough as large waves rocked the shoreline. Our daughter and her friend, both lovers of the water, took off giggling into the jagged water, fearless and free. My husband and I, along with our friends who came along to celebrate the event, watched from the safety of the shore as the strong wind whipped sand into our eyes, hair and teeth.
Our daughter and her friend jumped into the waves and swam around, oblivious to the fact that they were slowly being carried further and further away from the protection of the four sandblasted adults on the shore. Their bodies grew smaller and smaller as they drifted down the shoreline out into the deep body of water.
Eventually they glanced our direction and we motioned for them to come back to where they could be protected, closing the gap between us. This process repeated itself throughout the afternoon as they continued to be captivated by the immediate joy of water and waves.
This morning, months later, as I sat down planning to read the book of Hebrews, I couldn’t get past the first verse of chapter two. Paul, the author of Hebrews, gives us a warning, “We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.”
I sat and pondered the verse, unable to continue. I hate it when that happens. I think it’s called conviction; God nudging me to reflect on the true condition of my own heart. It’s as if God is saying, “You need to get the impact of what I’m saying here!”
It’s easy to look in the rear view mirror and see the times I have drifted from the safety of God’s will. In those moments when I have chosen disobedience, the rebellion of my heart has blinded my eyes from Truth. Although God does not move nor change, as I become engrossed and captivated by this world, I slowly drift away from the One who whispers, “Be careful, pay attention!” Without an anchor, the undertow slowly pulls me away. Eventually something snaps me back to reality as I look around stunned that my surroundings are no longer familiar. In those moments, God seems far away as He stands on the shore patiently waiting for me to turn back to Him.
When we lose sight of our vantage point; we drift. Peace and joy escape us as chaos takes up residence in our Inner World. It takes only a small wind to set us off kilter. As we slowly begin to go with the flow, our senses dull as we drift away from all we know to be true.
Going against the dreaded drift has required me to surrender to my own independent will and surround myself with those whom are not afraid to call me out when I lose sight of my purpose.
As we hold ourselves accountable to those whom God has joined us with on our journey, we will stand firmly planted, unable to be moved by even the strongest current.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote'
The weather was a bit rough as large waves rocked the shoreline. Our daughter and her friend, both lovers of the water, took off giggling into the jagged water, fearless and free. My husband and I, along with our friends who came along to celebrate the event, watched from the safety of the shore as the strong wind whipped sand into our eyes, hair and teeth.
Our daughter and her friend jumped into the waves and swam around, oblivious to the fact that they were slowly being carried further and further away from the protection of the four sandblasted adults on the shore. Their bodies grew smaller and smaller as they drifted down the shoreline out into the deep body of water.
Eventually they glanced our direction and we motioned for them to come back to where they could be protected, closing the gap between us. This process repeated itself throughout the afternoon as they continued to be captivated by the immediate joy of water and waves.
This morning, months later, as I sat down planning to read the book of Hebrews, I couldn’t get past the first verse of chapter two. Paul, the author of Hebrews, gives us a warning, “We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away.”
I sat and pondered the verse, unable to continue. I hate it when that happens. I think it’s called conviction; God nudging me to reflect on the true condition of my own heart. It’s as if God is saying, “You need to get the impact of what I’m saying here!”
It’s easy to look in the rear view mirror and see the times I have drifted from the safety of God’s will. In those moments when I have chosen disobedience, the rebellion of my heart has blinded my eyes from Truth. Although God does not move nor change, as I become engrossed and captivated by this world, I slowly drift away from the One who whispers, “Be careful, pay attention!” Without an anchor, the undertow slowly pulls me away. Eventually something snaps me back to reality as I look around stunned that my surroundings are no longer familiar. In those moments, God seems far away as He stands on the shore patiently waiting for me to turn back to Him.
When we lose sight of our vantage point; we drift. Peace and joy escape us as chaos takes up residence in our Inner World. It takes only a small wind to set us off kilter. As we slowly begin to go with the flow, our senses dull as we drift away from all we know to be true.
Going against the dreaded drift has required me to surrender to my own independent will and surround myself with those whom are not afraid to call me out when I lose sight of my purpose.
As we hold ourselves accountable to those whom God has joined us with on our journey, we will stand firmly planted, unable to be moved by even the strongest current.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote'
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tsunami
I am up right now in the wee hours of morning, awakened by a dream so terrifying that even after waking up and realizing it was only a dream, my heart is still captivated by fear.
In my dream I must have lived close to an ocean. Unknown to me and everyone else in my dream, a tsunami was hitting. Water began to consume the streets. Fear quickly led to complete chaos; every person fighting to save his or her own life and that of their family.
I do not know how long my dream lasted, possibly seconds. However, it felt like a long time before my eyes opened and I slowly realized it had only been a dream.
As I lay in bed, still fearful, I began to pray for God to help me go back to sleep. Sometimes after a troubling dream and the realization that it was only a dream, peaceful sleep follows—but not this time. I wasn’t asking God for the dream to make sense, just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up forgetting that the dream had ever happened.
Instead of sleep, God took me back to my childhood and to memories that I thought were dead and buried. It was as if a video of the most terrifying moments of my childhood were being played back to me. I was reminded once again that some things in my present world are still being impacted by those things that happened to me as a child.
I was reminded of the many times I felt trapped; overpowered and helpless as I did in my dream upon realizing that I was no match for a tsunami. In each instance I remembered the terrible feeling of being a victim; fighting for that part of me which should not have been taken. Fear would strike my heart and paralyze my body. Many times my strength was not adequate to protect the tsunami from striking.
I believe that God is a God who heals. Oftentimes our healing comes in layers, each layer touching those parts of our hearts that have been marked off with yellow tape. The words “CAUTION, STAY AWAY” warn those who dare get close that the outcome of trespassing to those wounded areas of our hearts are dangerous and unwise. Yet, God in His goodness continues to bring us back to those dark places as we learn to surrender every part of ourselves to Him. He heals our wounds and lovingly clothes us with His character.
However, until we are willing to visit those dark places, they never get to heal. Instead, they lie dormant for a time, taking up occupancy in our hearts, as we attempt to live our lives tiptoeing around the yellow tape that holds us gripped in fear as victims. When we least expect it, a tsunami rises, revealing that which we had hoped time would forget.
Sometimes we get to take our pain straight to our Father; healing flooding our hearts as we weep in His presence. Other times we are asked to share our story with others; our vulnerability giving others permission for their own wounded hearts to find healing and freedom.
Ultimately, those things from our past which have marked us, no longer have the power to control us, as we allow God’s love to captivate our hearts in ways that are as powerful and overwhelming as a tsunami.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
In my dream I must have lived close to an ocean. Unknown to me and everyone else in my dream, a tsunami was hitting. Water began to consume the streets. Fear quickly led to complete chaos; every person fighting to save his or her own life and that of their family.
I do not know how long my dream lasted, possibly seconds. However, it felt like a long time before my eyes opened and I slowly realized it had only been a dream.
As I lay in bed, still fearful, I began to pray for God to help me go back to sleep. Sometimes after a troubling dream and the realization that it was only a dream, peaceful sleep follows—but not this time. I wasn’t asking God for the dream to make sense, just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up forgetting that the dream had ever happened.
Instead of sleep, God took me back to my childhood and to memories that I thought were dead and buried. It was as if a video of the most terrifying moments of my childhood were being played back to me. I was reminded once again that some things in my present world are still being impacted by those things that happened to me as a child.
I was reminded of the many times I felt trapped; overpowered and helpless as I did in my dream upon realizing that I was no match for a tsunami. In each instance I remembered the terrible feeling of being a victim; fighting for that part of me which should not have been taken. Fear would strike my heart and paralyze my body. Many times my strength was not adequate to protect the tsunami from striking.
I believe that God is a God who heals. Oftentimes our healing comes in layers, each layer touching those parts of our hearts that have been marked off with yellow tape. The words “CAUTION, STAY AWAY” warn those who dare get close that the outcome of trespassing to those wounded areas of our hearts are dangerous and unwise. Yet, God in His goodness continues to bring us back to those dark places as we learn to surrender every part of ourselves to Him. He heals our wounds and lovingly clothes us with His character.
However, until we are willing to visit those dark places, they never get to heal. Instead, they lie dormant for a time, taking up occupancy in our hearts, as we attempt to live our lives tiptoeing around the yellow tape that holds us gripped in fear as victims. When we least expect it, a tsunami rises, revealing that which we had hoped time would forget.
Sometimes we get to take our pain straight to our Father; healing flooding our hearts as we weep in His presence. Other times we are asked to share our story with others; our vulnerability giving others permission for their own wounded hearts to find healing and freedom.
Ultimately, those things from our past which have marked us, no longer have the power to control us, as we allow God’s love to captivate our hearts in ways that are as powerful and overwhelming as a tsunami.
Stay the Course...
Sheila Cote
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