Brace For Impact

(This blog was inspired by my dear brothers and sisters in Christ who, like myself, have experienced trauma at the hands of a man of the cloth in the form of spiritual abuse. I write this blog in an attempt to bring hope to the next chapters of our stories; I truly believe that the best is yet to come.)

I was faced with a situation this week that caused loss of sleep and trepidation of heart.  

My husband and I were invited to meet with our new pastor and his wife over dinner to discuss a ministry opportunity at the church.

Such a scenario should sound non-threatening and should be seen as an evening to look forward to—unless your experience with pastors and churches in the past has been painful.

I prayed throughout the week each time the feeling of dread and fear attempted to override my thoughts.

After many years of not being able to articulate my thoughts on spiritual abuse in a way that another could understand, I was finally given a picture in my mind of what I am calling my airplane analogy:

Imagine that you are a passenger on an airplane. You’ve flown many times and are confident that nothing could possibly happen to the plane because, well, you’re on it! 

Suddenly the voice of the pilot interrupts your thoughts as you hear these words come over the intercom: “Brace For Impact!”

The plane begins to plummet. You’re no longer able to think about anything except how helpless you feel. Your world spins out of control. Your stomach rises to your chest; you fear you will surely die. You have never felt as alone as you do in this moment.

By the grace of God, the plane stabilizes and is able to make an emergency landing, you do not receive so much as a scratch to mark the traumatic experience.

Life goes on, and you remain thankful each day that you are a survivor. Though you appear unscathed to those who know you; the trusting childlike heart within you has been raped.

In the still of night you awaken with a gasp to the moment that emerges unwittingly in your dreams—the plane is crashing— the pit in your stomach once again churns with fear.

Eventually the day arrives when you must face your fear—you must board another plane. You don’t want to, but you know you must. Who do you talk to whom might understand your trepidation? Who but God can be trusted with the true state of your heart?

The four walls of the church is the airplane we tiptoe around hoping to avoid for a very long time, if not forever, once we have been spiritually abused.  If we have been hurt once, twice or three times how can we trust that the next plane won’t crash too? We feel foolish to think we can trust those who have already failed us, hurt us, and left us fighting for our lives without so much as a backward glance. The question which hovers tauntingly just beyond the reach of an answer remains: "Can I trust another pastor?"

We readily admit our inability to endure another near-fatal crash and begin to doubt the earnestness of our long-professed faith.

It feels safe to stay home, lock the door and drop the shades to self-protect. The father of lies whispers defeat, despair and destruction meant to sideline us, render us useless, and destroy the very core of who we are as believers. 

For myself, I have had days where I have self-protected. God has not left me alone on the days when I believe the lie that I will never again be able to fly.  Though I finally understand that I will never be the person that I was prior to the moment that I braced for impact; there is a steeliness that continues to fill me; a determination not to allow fear and lies to rob the beauty nor the strength of God’s Spirit within me. 

The same Spirit resides in each one of us believer-survivors. After all, we survived for a reason. Our lives are not our own; we have been bought at a great price. This is a truth worth remembering.

I know from my own story that I cannot ask anyone to give church another chance, nor would I attempt to do so. But I do know that the desire to be a part of both the local and the universal church will never go away; that’s part of the gift of the Spirit of Truth. We are God’s children—imperfect, limping, broken and hurting—His beloved sons and daughters. We are His church.

Many years later, I am learning that the gift we have been given from an experience that was meant to destroy us, is the ability to look in the mirror and see the truth of our own humanity, not in spite of our stories but because of our stories.  We must dig deep into the grit of our souls and walk through those church doors trusting Abba, our Faithful Pilot, that the plane will not go down.

As we drove away from our meeting with our pastor and pastor’s wife, my husband stated with relief in his voice, “That was the best meeting we have ever had with a pastor.” I agreed and reached out to hold his hand as we drove quietly toward the future with a third companion--our long lost friend, Hope.

Stay the Course…

Sheila

Chinese Bamboo Tree

(I posted this blog a long time ago but this morning re-wrote certain parts. Though still one of my favorite visuals using an allegorical element, life experience has given me new appreciation on how I now embrace the story of the Chinese Bamboo Tree)

Jeremiah 17:8 (NIV) “He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to want to grab ahold of something tangible, something our eyes can see.  God often requires us to hold onto Him and trust Him alone when our eyes cannot see and our hands cannot touch tangible.

This week I learned about an interesting tree that I think most of us can relate to: the Chinese Bamboo Tree.  This unusual tree spends the first four years of its life developing its root system; not a single sprout appears during this timeframe.  By all appearances, the tree lies dormant—void of purpose— for four years.

The owner of the Chinese Bamboo Tree feeds and fertilizes it; yet there is no visible change.  Hidden beneath the soil, the roots continue to grow strong.  To dig up the roots due to impatience would stunt the tree’s life.  

After four years of fertilizing and caring for the tree without so much as a sprout; the fifth year finally arrives.  

In the fifth year of the Chinese Bamboo Tree's life, the seed sprouts, shooting up to 80 feet in just one growing season.  Because of the strong infrastructure, the roots are able to sustain the size of the tree with no problems.

So, though it appeared that the Chinese Bamboo Tree was lying dormant for four years, those four years were necessary for what was to come.  

Eyes of faith needed to see that which cannot be seen with human eyes. 

Maybe you can relate to this unique tree; I know I can. At first glance my ordinary life may not resemble salt or a bright glowing light that others are drawn to like a magnet.  In some seasons I find that myself, my roots, and my infrastructure appear to be invisible and dormant to the untrained eye. 

Trusting God with the infrastructure proves to be difficult when I can’t understand the purpose for the visible stagnation of my growth. 

In seasons when hope has faded, I am learning that reading God’s Word and praying are imperative to fertilizing the seed and strengthening the roots of faith. The ultimate outcome, God's promise to me and to you, will be roots strong enough to withstand anything and everything.

If we determine to stay the course, choosing to put our faith and trust in God’s Word instead of man’s word, Jeremiah 17:8 reminds us that we “will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Just as the owner of the Chinese Bamboo Tree remains faithful in tending his tree, knowing that intentional care is necessary in order for the fifth year to bring forth fruit; we must do the same.    

In God’s perfect timing, the fifth year will arrive.

Vibrant with fruit, deeply rooted, we will stand 80 feet tall,  bringing glory and honor to the One who patiently nurtures and cares for our souls.

Stay the Course…

Sheila

Today’s Prayer: “Father, thank You for the promise that when I place my trust and faith in You, I will be like a tree planted by the water that sends my roots out to the stream.  Thank You for the promise of life and growth, even when there is a drought in the land.  You are my source of life, apart from You I would surely die.  Please help my unbelief in the moments when I feel as though my life is dormant.  Please increase my appetite for Your Word. Though the world may pull me in with its promise of happiness and fulfillment, my soul finds no satisfaction apart from You.  The world leaves me empty and searching for more; void of truth.  Help me to not grow weary or lose hope as You continue to nurture my roots.  Please finish the good work You have began in me.  I trust Your faithfulness. In Jesus name I pray, amen.”

Negative Split

(Dedicated to the heroes of the faith: those who, when knocked down, continue to find a way back up. Those whose knees have grown weak, bodies frail, and hair has turned to silver.  Thank you for the hope your lives exude as you maintain a steady gait and a dogged determination to never give up)

Breaking through the 50-year-old tape marker not too long ago got me thinking about races and life and how real life is a marathon we are all running with hopes of one day breaking the final tape marked Finish Line.  

Although no longer able to participate in my beloved sport of running and racing, I often relate to real life in runners terms—such as the term, negative split.

A negative split or the action of negative splitting is a racing strategy that involves completing the second half of a race faster than the first half. It is defined by the intentional setting of a slower initial pace, followed by either a gradual or sudden increase of speed towards the end of a race. (Wikipedia definition)

In my opinion, Hebrews 12:1 provides us with a beautiful picture of early disciple marathon runners (possibly negative splitting!): “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” 

We are not told the behind the scenes narrative of each individual in this “cloud of witnesses,” but we learn something very telling of the character of these men and women: “the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. These were all commended for their faith, yet NONE of them received what had been promised.” (Hebrews 11:38 & 39)

Life was not easy for our fellow brother’s and sister’s in Christ: “Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison.  They were stoned, they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated.” (vs. 36 & 37)

Although I do not personally know anyone who has faced the above mentioned unfathomable circumstances; with each passing year of my own life I am recognizing a deeper appreciation for those whom I do know who have endured great loss and suffered much pain.  Marathoners, if you will, whom are still staying the course.  Not living their lives for themselves, they are holding nothing back that might disqualify them from reaching the Finish Line.  They may not be running the second half of their race faster than the first half; but they are running it stronger.

Our heroes of the faith, both past and present, run with confidence and do not shrink back. 

A negative split requires perseverance, and faith to believe that with God’s strength, the latter part of our lives can be lived with more tenacity, fervor and determination than given on the front end. Such a race requires us to trust God that we will have enough left in the tank for a strong sprint to the finish.

Paul speaks with the wisdom of a seasoned athlete on how to run a strong race, “ But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward why is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 3:13 & 14)

Finally, every runner must learn the true secret to making it to the Finish Line—not training alone. It’s imperative that we train with a person who has ran more races, worn out more pairs of shoes, and stayed on the narrow path for the duration.  

Find yourself a living hero of the faith and let him or her help you on your own journey so you can break the tape as you cross from this life into eternity.  Oh, and don’t forget to thank your living hero of the faith for his or her life of perseverance, fortitude, and tenacity. 

Finish strong, fellow athletes.

Stay the Course…

Sheila

The Long Road Back to Truth

(This blog touches on spiritual abuse. Thousands of believers are exiting the church—some unwilling and unable to re-enter—because of spiritual abuse. The problem is real. If you are currently struggling or know of someone who is—this is for you.)

I found something over the weekend while de-cluttering boxes from our crawl space—an old journal.

There was only one time in my entire life that I kept a journal, a time that turned out to be one of the toughest seasons me or my husband have ever journeyed together.  And there it was, written out in an ultra thick journal for me to review for the first time, if I was brave enough to do so.

Apprehensively at first, I opened the cover, flipping through the pages as I tried to determine if there was any point to reading my own words or if the journal should be thrown away with the rest of the things that no longer felt needed in this season of life.  

Since it’s the beginning of a new year, it felt right that I should take a moment of pause and look back at the road traveled.  New eyes to read old news with the hopes of gleaning new wisdom moving forward.

For the most part, the journal was kept to track my spiritual progress; a journey which took many twists and turns.  Most of the names mentioned along the trail are names which are no longer familiar to me.  Friendships that I had thought were golden and eternal came to an end, sometimes abruptly.  I re-read accounts of secrets being revealed, hearts being broken, betrayal, and the slow subtle way things shift from doing the right thing for the right reason and turn into doing the right thing for the wrong reason.  Yeah, something like that.

As a woman who has spent most of her life in the church, I would like to issue a warning to other ambitious church-goers such as me: do not, under any circumstance, for any reason, look to a person for validation or for answers that must only come from God (or from your spouse).  Do the hard work of dropping to your own knees for answers instead of looking to a man (or woman) of the cloth or to a person within the church whom you deem as “spiritual”  when you need answers to the questions of your life.  

If you are a married woman or man, be vigilant and intentional to seek out your spouse when there are things on your heart that must be shared.  I can tell you from personal experience, as my journal is my witness, that any path that leads you to be emotionally dependent on anyone other than your spouse can quickly turn into a slippery slope on a road that leads you further away from Truth.

And the road back to Truth can be a long road indeed.

The Word of God reminds us that “We all stumble in many ways.” (Jas 3:2) Yet as we continue in the book of James we are given a promise, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.” (Jas 4:8) Even as we are called to make disciples, our purpose is to point others to Christ; never to ourselves. 

In the Word of God we are told to not forsake gathering together, to confess our sins one to another, pray for one another and to spur one another on toward good deeds. We are granted permission to approach the throne of grace.  We are told to love one another deeply, to mourn with those who mourn and to rejoice with those who rejoice, to take care of orphans and widows and to keep ourselves from being polluted by the world.  We are instructed to keep our lives free from the love of money, to be content with what we have, to endure hardship and not to make light of the Lord’s discipline. We are instructed to wrong no one, corrupt no one and exploit no one. We are told all of these things and so much more—but we are never told to open ourselves up to anyone other than our Lord or our spouse when it comes to the deep matters of the heart.  

Many years have passed on my own personal journey down the long road back to Truth. I am finding that each new day presents new opportunities to “get it right.” The focus has shifted more from one of me trying to figure out the details of my life to, instead, me wanting to know more about God. More about His love. His unfathomable, incomprehensible, unmerited, unconditional love.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)

Stay the Course…

Sheila